Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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