No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
