if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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