omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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