I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
