he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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