My friends, they love my intelligence
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
