There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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