i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
