Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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