A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We named our party play list daddy issues
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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