There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
