Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
