I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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