I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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