I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
