If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
