i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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