Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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