I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
