i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
