I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
