just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
