I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
