Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Did we literally take a cab across the street
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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