I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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