He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
