the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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