Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
