Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
