Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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