I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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