i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
