Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
