I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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