Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
