I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
