The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
