me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
