ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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