He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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