I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
