On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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