I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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