big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Boobs speak an international language.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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