no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Randomize