You just made me feel so damn special
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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