My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
