Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
They have beer where we have blood.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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