Swine flu is the new snow day.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
