I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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