Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
