When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
