he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
