I should be sponsored by Trojan
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
