I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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